Writing and neurosis

Is it normal for writers to endlessly self-critique? If so, I fit the mold. I finish a posting and then, later, think, why in the world did I write that?

It smells so lovely outside right now, with the spring flowers beginning to bloom. Our cat has begun to venture outside now. She spent the fall and winter as an indoor cat. She's a Texas cat -- though her coat is thick, she doesn't think it is warm enough to stay outside unless it's at least 80 degrees.

I can't believe spring break is next week, and we're in March, and my kids are growing up and my 13-year-old is nearly eye to eye with me now. When do all these things happen? Maybe while we're sleeping. I just don't know. And summer is just a dream away now. I hope we don't have a repeat of last summer's 100, 100+ days. I will have to leave if that keeps happening.

I was listening to "This American Life" today on my 2-mile jog, which was hot, by the way. There are tons of free podcasts out there. I also have a Spanish one that's a little advanced for me and the podcast I downloaded was talking about nuclear energy, of all things.

Anyhow, on the episode of "This American Life" there was a psychiatrist who was asked for an interview by his 12-year-old granddaughter(?) and decided the only way to get an adequate interview was to do it himself. So he'd ask himself a question and then he'd answer, "well you see, John, ..." and answer himself. This was a repeat of a podcast about how the American Psychiatric Association changed the definition of gay from a pathology, back in about 1973. Quite recently.

I have to run to Andrew's band concert, then to Austin's doubleheader.

Mere life itself, and a tribute

Now what was I going to write about? I need an update ... I'm tired of looking at that silly pet entry. Cute pictures, though.

Was it how I feel like I've never been so busy in my life, working two part-time jobs, driving around two teenagers who are growing up before my eyes? This week, we have something every evening (and often, several somethings) until Friday, when we all can collapse in exhaustion! Oops, I mean - have a family fun night!

Here are my two boys. Their eyes are glowing fiendishly in this pic, like typical teenagers.

Andrew told me tonight that I give him pimples. See, Moms are responsible for everything, especially the bad stuff!

No, that wasn't it.

Was it how the vehicles both seem to need maintenance every week now, since they both are at or above 150k miles? Dwaine said, we just can't get ahead. I said, at least it's not a financial crisis for us when the vehicles do need work. And then there's the matter of finding something for Austin to drive when he turns 16. No, not that.That's, like, just boring daily stuff. Clouds in my coffee, which I gave up for Lent.

What about those Oscars? Wasn't that the latest night ever? I turned it off before hearing any of the major awards! It was starting to cut into my beauty rest. I did like the hosts -- when did Alec Baldwin become a stand-up comedian? I missed something here. Gee, maybe if I'd been watching TV for the last decade, I'd have a clue. Maybe that's why Steve Martin had to be there for the assist, and I do adore Steve Martin.

I think I've only done one hard workout in the past four days, and that's just not enough to keep all pistons fully firing. I feel so blaaaaaah, mentally and physically. Too much rest isn't a good thing. I cannot focus.

And, what about how we watched half of Lawrence of Arabia, our Netflix movie that has been collecting dust due to the Winter Olympics, and I don't believe I ever saw this great classic film before, and I never knew camels made all those noises or could run that fast? In one scene, featuring about 50 of the beasts, they literally sounded like NASCAR autos getting ready to race. Someday we'll get to the other half, hopefully still remembering what happened before. I refuse to return it only half watched.

And, when will the Oscars finally get environmentally smart and have a category for best animal actor/actress?

How about Bible study? I go with reluctance; it's such a sacrifice to stay at church from 10:30 (when Sunday school ends) till 3:15 or so every week. The class technically begins at 12:15, but it's not worth it to go home in between. But I go, and then we have these incredible conversations that need to happen. Like yesterday, when Kristie asked whether a soldier killing someone in the line of duty constitutes murder. She asked this, married to an Army guy, sitting across from another retired military man, and beside another one. I have to say she's got guts! And we had a nuanced conversation about how it takes a permanent toll to kill other people, even during the most justified of wars.

Kristie also mentioned how Mary Magdalene was supposed to be commissioned as a disciple of Jesus, she read in an apocryphal book not included in our Bible. She's the mother of two daughters; she needs Christianity to reflect strong womanhood, which is quite the challenge.

Bill spoke up and said he can't understand "pro-life" people who talk about prohibiting all abortions in one breath, and then move on to say, that rapist should fry in the electric chair!

We actually have a pretty diverse group, thanks to the big-tent approach of Methodism. I could never go to any other church in Floresville.

And we also had our time of pleasant talking, which I need, but I also feel this tension, like my mind is thinking of other things that seem, quite possibly, more important. I'm just not a socialite.

Here's something I was thinking of, speaking of that. A tribute to a loved one.

I don't remember exactly when I started really loving this person deeply. It definitely didn't happen all at once. For many years, it was a love-hate relationship, very emotional, like my relationship with everyone important in my life. Like my relationship with God, too.

Maybe I first really fell in love at the Walk to Emmaus during candlelight. This is a 4-day retreat, and during that time, you have a surprise party thrown for you. It's amazing -- one of the times I have experienced, very personally and deeply, the wonder of God's love.

So, this person is smart, though lacking in common sense. Funny. Quiet, intense. Physical. Wanting to see the whole picture, not just one perspective. By the way, in the Chinese zodiac, a snake: "Wise and intense, with a tendency towards physical beauty. Vain and high-tempered. The cock and ox are your best signs. Avoid the tiger." Yes, I think that's exactly how it is printed on countless paper placemats in American Chinese restaurants everywhere. And this description is so eerily accurate. Not the vanity part though, surely?

This person is indecisive, at times. Uncertain. Living with adult ADD, a strong likelihood. But overall, just really amazing. And I'm so glad I get to spend my entire life with her/me -- Julie! So I do want to thank you, Julie, for allowing me to see things through your eyes, and live in your body, which so far is still full of grace. It's been quite a journey, one I hope continues for many years. Yes, somehow, there is something that goes deeper than this mere human being, and it is from this deeper consciousness that I can thank myself-you. And the outpouring of my love for Julie is what makes it possible to embrace the wider world with love and compassion.

As I tell my kids, Ily! (I-love-you)

Standoff at the OK futon

So, remind me to write about politicians and respect, or lack thereof, some other time (my original topic). I got carried away with this story and I'm outta time!

I was meditating this afternoon when my pets had a standoff.

I say "meditating" so casually, as though it's a daily practice. No, lately, the only other time I meditate is when I visit my lovely Buddhist friends to practice with them.

I found myself unexpectedly home without kids or husband, when my younger son finished a school project and went off across the street to play with a friend. So I said, ah-ha! Really, this is the perfect opportunity to spend 20 minutes sitting. No excuses!

While I was sitting, the animals came in to see what I was doing. I suspect Scout would have flown in, except he is confined in a cage. Oh, I think the cat was actually already there in her usual spot, on a cushion on the futon, and she woke up to see why I was in that room. (Highly unusual.)

Got carried away with the flash there. Anyhow, so she jumped down to see if I might be actually interested in feeding her. From her point of view, that is my sole purpose in life, and I do a fairly rotten job of it. She's an old, quite plump cat, and this is her life: sleep/eat. eat/sleep. With certain necessaries somewhere in between. Her name is Bakpak, because when Austin was a toddler, that was one of his early words. I think she finally gave up and went to the laundry room, just to make sure the food hadn't come down from the shelf on its own.

Then I heard and sensed a burst of energy in the room -- a jingling dog tag, and a certain lively bustle. Mimi, our robustly proportioned chihuahua. As my husband says, she's big-boned. She had to come over and sniff around me and make me laugh. Then she looked around for a place to settle for a while, since this was now obviously the room of choice. I heard her trying to clamber up on the futon. She eventually succeeded, and spied the cat's queenly cushion, recently vacated. (At this point I was watching. A little break from the meditating bit.) She carefully sniffed all around it, and looked around. No cat in view.

In the above picture, Mimi is in her usual spot, when we're home, on top of the sofa in the living room (different room).

Then Mimi did what I've never seen her do before: she hopped up on the cushion, which was doubtless radiating warmth, turned several times, and settled herself there. This cushion must have special qualities, she was perhaps thinking to herself. Could it even be better than my bed? And -- the cat won't attack me, not with my mistress in the room!

So then, it got interesting. I had resumed my eyes closed, motionless, and heard the cat quietly return. The sound of licking alerted me. So now I had to watch the rest of the show.

The cat soon decided to return to her favorite spot, walked over, and jumped up -- almost onto Mimi herself. At this point, I started giggling.

Then began a stare-off. The cat sat very close to her cushion (well, she had to -- all that fluff had to go somewhere). She sat, and she stared at Mimi. Mimi looked in the general direction of the cat. You know you're in trouble when your cat stares at you. My giggling, meanwhile, was becoming louder -- I was snorting with laughter -- and was distracting the animals from their standoff.

It didn't take long. Mimi conceded as gracefully as she could, and relinquished the cushion. She went over to the other side of the futon, where there was no soft, warm cushion, and sat down, looking a little sad.

Here's the futon (Austin's guitar seems to have found a home there) and the cat in her rightful spot:

Our cat does not have a confrontational personality, or it could have turned ugly. I know I'll never see the cat pull a similar stunt and settle herself on Mimi's bed. But that sure would be funny to imagine.

So I must say my meditative session proved very fruitful. Since this entry was just begging for pictures, I took the time to load them! I hope you're happy! (It was a lot of work.)

What are we?

What are human beings made of, made of?
What are human beings made of?
Not sugar and spice and everything nice, that's not what human beings are made of.
Not snips and snails and puppy-dog tails, either.
(Did I butcher that old children's rhyme?)

I am fascinated by the paradox of human nature. Philosophers and deep religious thinkers can't even decide if we are, at our core, good or evil! That seems pretty basic. So what the heck are we? Are we fashioned of spirit, or clay? Are we more built of innocence, like children, or do we harbor hatred, and fight and kill one another physically or with words?

How can any beautiful baby grow up to hate and murder? (Even if it was an ugly baby!)

My husband and I were present for a council meeting at our church this week. Now, let me say, I am not a person who thrives by serving on committees. When I finally understood that, I quickly shed one of my two committee positions at church. (The other I'll remain on till I am no longer a children's Sunday school teacher.) I feel much more comfortable in a room full of children, where the conflicts are smaller, and resolution is always close at hand. Everything is possible, dealing with children. They are so open to all ideas, and changing rapidly.

Anyhow, Dwaine and I were not on the committee, but Dwaine was there to report on his role as a liaison between the church and a group that has been using its facilities. This has been a flashpoint for a growing amount of conflict recently.

It was interesting to see different facets of people's personalities. The word "facets" reminds me of the lovely dimensions of diamonds, and people all have a lovely side of them -- or at least potential for that great beauty of soul. But everyone also has a side that is so ugly and violent. It's a shock to discover how close it is to the surface, in most. It's our light side and our shadow side. No matter how enlightened we may become, if we are still human, we still have a shadow side to contend with. It is possible to comprehend that darkness better, and draw it into the light more, but it never totally disappears.

So, even the people I most admire have a dark side, and my husband was describing that quality to me in someone who I think of as being such a loving, caring person. What! That person, too, a human being? Warts and all?

Meantime, my husband took on a truly thankless job in a way that was sacrificial in its giving. I am so proud of him. Plus, I was going to cook a meal for someone at work who needed it, and he did it for me! He really had a gold-star week.

The criticism our female pastor has attracted makes me wonder. There are highly idealistic standards in place for any religious leader. Are the expectations even more unrealistic if that person is a woman, and stereotyped as nurturing and "mothering" already? This is something that all women in positions of authority have to contend with. There are certain styles of male leadership that are so advantageous, such as making decisions without being too swayed by feelings and emotion, in yourself or other people.

Once this outside group leaves, the conflict swirling around at church will be directed inward, once again. That will be interesting. I think most all churches operate with some amount of drama, always. Just like all groups involving people!

This is a hard, important lesson: Feelings can be felt without being acted upon. It's good to place them on a shelf and back away, decide what this feeling is and why it's there, before acting on it. To say, this feeling -- and me -- are two separate entities. Feelings may not reflect reality. Often, feelings come straight from the ego. Wounded, worrying, fearful. Not noble qualities.

So, my son Austin says I'm a "pessimist." Hmmm. Is there a FB poll? Determine your personality type -- or better yet, ask your friends to decide. Ouch!

Last evening, Andrew and I shared a fit of riotous, uncontrolled laughter -- in the middle school library. (The best place for such an outburst!) Afterwards, he said, "Mom, I think you really needed that laugh." I have such smart kids!

Yes, I'm intense. (Perhaps you've noticed? Naah.) But a pessimist? I think I've come a long way in seeing beauty all over the place. I have the word "Hope" hanging up on my office wall to remind me never to lose it. And, I have a great sense of humor! (I think so, anyway.) I think my sons get their sense of humor from me. Well, maybe Dwaine played a small part. Maybe.

Meditation on the precepts

The five Buddhist precepts should sound quite familiar. Let's see if I remember them all:
No killing
No lying
No stealing
No sexual misconduct
No taking of intoxicating substances

Whew! So, I feel like I am such a pro with regard to these, except for the last one (if you count caffeine). But it's interesting, because they are so deceptively easy, but when you really get deeper into walking the path, you see choices that are quite interesting and create whole worlds of gray areas.

I listened to the podcast about no lying today while I was enjoying an easy, relaxed 25-minute jog. I feel like the deepest essence of my being is to be honest and open. However, certain questions arise. What if you withhold part of yourself from certain people because you know those parts could create conflict? Is this lying?

I know that I have an issue with conflict avoidance. I felt like I grew up in a miniature battle zone of my parents' creation -- rightly or wrongly, this is how I felt as a child. So now, I find it quite painful to confront someone directly in an emotionally charged situation. It really converted me strongly to the cause of peace. But peace is not genuine when it ignores differences and disagreement. It is not permanent if it tries to smooth over problems without addressing them.

Is it honest that I behave differently or speak differently around different people? I find myself matching people's ways of speaking, dialects, their vocabulary levels when I speak with different people. Is this being true to myself?

Gil gave a good example of how honesty quickly becomes a gray area. His young son was asking him what he thought of baseball, and Gil said he liked it. However, Gil was aware that he would give a different answer to an adult. He said his son loves baseball, and his answer was nuanced by that knowledge.

So when is withholding information perhaps not the same as lying? What if the information withheld would cause someone pain or discouragement? What if withholding information would save a life? For example, Rahab hid the Israeli spies and deliberately misdirected the soldiers seeking their lives, in the Old Testament (Torah). She saved their lives. Did she do so by breaking a precept or commandment? You shall not bear false witness, is the Judeo-Christian version.

I am struggling with how to share my notion of faith with my Disciple Bible class. Maybe part of the problem is I am unsure how to express my ideas. Writing them is much easier, for me, than speaking them to a potentially hostile audience. Of course, my hesitation also contains a heavy dose of the instinct for self-preservation!

I believe that the faith of those who strive to be more spiritual is genuine, regardless of whether the person bears the name of Christian or Buddhist or Jew or Hindu or Muslim. I believe that all these paths, when they are taken in love, lead to the same God, and that God embraces all these efforts to become closer to Him and grow in love. Now, I'm not going to embrace every new-age idea or sect or cult, etc., but I believe that God created us to be very diverse in the way we worship Him.

I know there are logical problems with my point of view. For one thing, Buddhists do not believe in "God." They do share many other beliefs in common with the Judeo-Christian view, but they don't emphasize dogma the way that Jews and Christians do.

Then there are Christ's own words that no one comes to the Father except through him, and so on. If you are not for me, you are against me. (But also, he said, if they are not against me, they are for me.) There are a number of places where Christ exhorts his disciples to tell others about himself and thus achieve salvation. Those who do not have faith in Jesus will go to Hell, it seems. Many Christians take these verses as permission to judge who is going to heaven, and who is not, and they are not shy about saying that people of other religions are hosed.

I believe that every time people create partitions and divisions among themselves and claim that their religion is "right" and all others "wrong" -- every time, Satan rejoices, for his purposes are being achieved. He has succeeded in distracting people from seeking God with their full hearts. Instead, they are evaluating the quality of other people's faith and judging it as lacking. In rushes pride and a host of other sins. They are saying, in essence, the pearly gates are open to me, and those who believe the way I do, but they are closed to you. What a egocentric view! Unfortunately, it is reinforced by many statements that Jesus made. He wasn't perfectly clear. I have to wonder if the early Christians were into self-preservation when they were recording the scriptures. No one will ever know.

Buddhism has a brilliant solution for all the problems involved in arguing out these points using human logic. Buddhists realize that we are not able to see the true nature of reality while captives in our human body. Paul made a similar comment when he said, "Now we see in a mirror, darkly. Then we will see face to face." Buddhists say, our beliefs are not the most important thing in our lives, because they are all warped by our egocentrism. Our actions, and our being mindfully present in each moment, trump all belief systems. All belief systems are going to be warped by our limited point of view, but we can learn to exist in a fully awakened state, and in that sense, we meet reality directly from moment to moment, in a way that is essentially inexpressible.

I know this is a mystical reply and does not satisfy those who want specific answers to all their questions, or who want a clear user's manual of life to follow.

Logically speaking, my beliefs are equally as valid as yours. We are both on equal footing, both human. My intuitive grasp of faith is just as legitimate as yours. Perhaps some beliefs can be proven empirically, here on earth, but the biggest questions are unprovable. Where do we come from, before we are born, and where do we go after death? Is there a God, and what is the nature of God?

Even those theories that have been proven scientifically are not necessarily universal. Do they apply throughout the universe? Did they apply from the beginning, and will they apply in the end? How do you prove that?

All holy scriptures were written by human beings. They were divinely inspired, but they still contain the essential flaw of the limited human perspective. Can we see what happened at the creation of the universe, or what will happen in billions of years? Do we have unlimited knowledge? Do any of us have more direct access to the divine than anyone else?

The point is this: Lots of questions. Few answers. We should all strive to be more loving and more forgiving of others who also seek, and less dogmatic.

My fitness journey, continued

So I want to share a little more about my path toward personal fitness and good nutrition. (Incidentally, I am expounding after eating 2 giant pieces of stuffed-crust Pizza Hut pizza tonight. If temptation is before me ...)

My love for fitness, like everything else, has been a journey with sometimes slow progress. I have enjoyed walking for years, and working out with weights too. Walking would mean maybe 30 minutes at a time, several times a week. Nothing too fanatical.

I've gradually become more intentional, not to say fanatical, about working out nearly every day. It just feels too good to skip. It is such a stress reliever. Sometimes, I admit, it "hurts so good." But then those endorphins kick in, and I have to smile. That's what discipline is all about, working through the discomfort to reach a higher level. That's what it takes to achieve excellence in any area of life.

And, you probably figured out, I'm completely human and not consistent in doing the healthy thing. I love sweets and snacks.

I have been able to increase the amount of fruits and veggies I eat, now getting more than 5 a day. That takes planning ahead. I pack about 2 fruits and 1-2 vegetables for lunch and snacks every day, and I have replaced servings of grains (the old base of the outdated food pyramid) with fruits or veggies. I do love to snack on fresh fruit. Apples, bananas, pears, anything in season, even part of an orange (even though my stomach doesn't always handle the acid well). Veggies become more convenient when I take frozen or fresh-cut portions to eat with lunch. I love salads, but usually don't have time to make those for lunch. I eat them often with dinner.

Did you know that the new recommendation from American Heart Assoc., due to soaring obesity rates, is for women to eat just 6-1/2 teaspoons of added sugar/sweetener a day? Of course, men get more. About 10 tsp. daily -- how generous! Each teaspoon is 4 grams, so if you are noshing on yogurt or oatmeal or the like, you can look at the grams of added sugar to get an idea of how many teaspoons you're putting away. This goes for added sugar only, not naturally occurring sugars in fruits, etc. Watch those drinks, especially. Thank God I am not a big soda fan.

I've already decided that some things that are sweetened, like yogurt, are too sugary, so I buy plain and sweeten it lightly. Usually, I add protein shake powder to yogurt to get closer to getting half my body weight in grams of protein, which is recommended to maintain muscle mass. That's a pretty amazing amount of daily protein, by the way.

No matter how far I've come, there are still setbacks. The experienced "athlete" just is able to take them in stride, because they have had them before and know they are temporary. Today, I added 5 more minutes to my longest run, making it 40 minutes. It shouldn't have been a problem, but my body decided that it was. A problem. That I've had before, after running. I'm just so grateful that Dwaine took the kids to scouts tonight so I could relax for a while.

I've always thought that there should be a balance between exercise and the rest of life, meaning that workouts should not leave me so physically exhausted that I can't enjoy a normal day. People who are doing heavy-duty training can use so much energy on their workouts that there may be little left for everything else, and I think that's when it goes too far. I also don't want to ruin my knees. My left knee still swells, makes lots of little noises, and hurts if I bend it all the way. And that's running 75 minutes last week, mostly at a slow pace. (i.e., very little)

Here's a final thought that I find inspiring. You are part of a continuum of humanity, in every ability and skill you have. There is always someone in front of you who is ahead of you, and someone behind you. These people who are nearby can be great sources of inspiration for you to maintain and improve your skills. You see someone a little ahead and think, I could do that with just a little more effort!

Someone behind may make you remember how that felt, and may also motivate you to keep from being overtaken. Or it may be, if it's someone younger than me who is struggling, I want to be overtaken so they can feel a sense of accomplishment. (Look! I just passed that middle-aged lady!!) That actually happened at last year's Power of Pink, and I was thrilled (secretly) that the young person marshaled his strength to pull ahead of lil-ole-me at the finish.

No matter how good you are, you're probably never going to be the best -- or the worst. You are part of a host of people who are all working with a common purpose. This is a great truth that runners are lucky enough to experience first-hand at races. What a thrill it is to be in that pack of sweaty, striving humanity!

Don't you want to be part of a group that is getting better and stronger?

Carlos Whittaker

Three songs I just downloaded to my iPod. Wow!