Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Somebody's knocking

Somebody's knockin'
Should I let him in?
Lord it's the devil
Would you look at him?
I'd heard about him,
but I never dreamed
he'd have blue eyes and blue jeans.

Terri Gibbs (so my Internet search tells me)

I had not heard this song for eons and caught it on a West Texas country music station, about the only listening in the Sonora-Ozona area. I just loved hearing it again!

I listened to a book on CD for the drive out to the Buffalo Trails Boy Scout camp, located off the road to Fort Davis, and only got about halfway through it. I then had to put it away for the drive back -- too adult for my boys to listen along. It included a lesbian relationship and a psychopath murderer who was into things too vile to describe, except of course the author did! I was mildly interested in finding out the outcome -- this book was "Point of Origin" by Patricia Cornwell -- but not enough to try to find another 7-8 hours to finish listening. My life is complicated enough, thank you, and I'm trying to read 2 books right now without much time. I've been spending hours gearing up for Vacation Bible School next week, which I've been majorly involved with since 2005 or so.

I've been reading Carol's post on her decision to have a midlife experience, and it got me thinking. If I were to have one, what would it look like? Definitely no body piercings. But I decided I would have to retire the halo for a while.

It isn't a real one, that much is obvious. But I live with this sense of obligation to do the right thing and to spend my time in service to others. I've been doing this for years. My mom called me a chicken with its head cut off. An apt description! Part of it (most?) has been trying to be the total opposite of my mom, who seemed to spend her time reading, eating, or smoking at home for most of the time that I can recall her. I want to start saying "No!" when people ask me to do this or do that, or to serve on this or that committee. Not that I do that much, but I find it eats up hours of my time each week, even the "little" stuff.

I'm currently the deputy chair of the Finance Committee, meaning I am the heir apparent to become chairman next year. If I believed that this happened due to my innate talent and fitness for the job, that would be great. Instead, it's because no one else wants this dog of a job. It's been passed around through the years and they want some fresh blood. I've been "in prayer" about whether to accept the chairman position next year. I haven't spent much time specifically naming it when I am praying in words, but it's definitely been there in the background. I have found that what is motivating me to say yes is feeling sorry for whoever else might be dragged into the position if I step down. That's not a good enough reason.

Quite honestly, the greatest talent I have, the light that I should be showing the world, is writing.
I think I'm luckier than most people -- I have a talent! (I don't care if you beg to differ, either, nanny-nanny-boo-boo! because I know I do.) And, praise God, I know what it is. So why in God's name aren't I using it more? OK, there, it went from a thought in my head (rather shady) to a real written-down statement. It's becoming real. Pastor Janet talked one time about the difference between gifts and talents and fruits (of the spirit). Gifts and talents, we are born with. Fruits are what we actually use. The gifts and talents can just sit there for a lifetime, undeveloped, like that fig tree that Jesus cursed because it produced no fruit for him. Then it's as though they were not even there. They do no good for anyone.

I've been placing writing on the back burner, much of my life, because it's not an obvious way to glorify God. It seems downright selfish to spend time dawdling around here, though I quite enjoy it. I just don't see a definite future or immediate benefit. I don't have the patience to wait and see what might happen, if I gave this talent more of my time.

Do I fear failure? It seems weird to think that I would, since failure is mostly what I have experienced from writing thus far. I should be over that worry by now. It's just the feeling that I am doing the equivalent of navel-gazing, lint-picking. This would be a good time to post an actual photo of me picking lint from my navel, but I must admit I have never actually done this. (Have you?) There -- I did a quick inspection to make sure there were no fuzzies hiding in there. I'm pretty sure that is just a figure of speech, but who knows?

So, I am just musing along ... what if I resigned from everything, as of next year (give them time to adjust)? Sunday school teacher (that's a biggie), Education & Finance Committee, meal scheduler for the youth. But I think, if I'm not working, I still would want to do Vacation Bible School. I get a big sense of accomplishment from that one. I see how I really made a difference
and infused spirit into the Bible story, and I get to see all those kids. They remember me, too.

Here's sort of a random picture, but it speaks to me about dreams. See Randy Pausch's book for more on that. Here are two of my very favorite Disney characters, Tigger and Eeyore. The child hugging Eeyore is our own family Eeyore right now, too. And on the Tigger-to-Eeyore spectrum? I am way over by Eeyore. Very rarely am I like Tigger. But the important thing is that they are both just as lovable, and irritating, in their own unique ways.

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