Monday, June 15, 2009

Staying connected

Pray continually.

That is hard to do, especially when I don't sense God. I feel disconnected and discombobulated today, a headache lingering on, the type that hit me before I even woke up this morning. I did not enjoy the cruise ... much! I don't like crowds of people and don't like being stuck in one place, as we were, for 5 of the 7 days (no matter how many football fields long it is). I did not appreciate all the cigarette smoke in the hallways either. We skipped a stop in Cozumel because of the swine flu ... what's that?!

I was also sick, really sick for a couple of days & feeling the lingering after-effects the rest of the week. At one time I had that awful feeling of being about to pass out, plus throw up, at the same time! I think by then, I was a little dehydrated.

I didn't do either, and never actually threw up but felt like I needed to. Maybe it's because I took anti-seasick pills and then bought some accupressure cuffs to stop the nausea. It probably would have been better just to get it out of my system, but I really, REALLY hate to throw up.

Most of all, I felt out of place. I am no seafarer, and I'm not a cruiser either, I discovered. I think I could have guessed this about myself. So now I'm back on solid ground, but my brain is still bobbing at sea somewhere!

Here's me & hubby, on the cruise. (Why does my neck always look so stringy in pics nowadays?)

Father Richard Rohr (and Eckhart Tolle) talk about getting away from the mind and how important that is. Father Rohr talks about contemplative prayer, while Tolle talks about fully inhabiting the present moment, where the mind never is. These things are very hard for me, because I identify myself so completely with my mind. I live an internal life and spend a lot of time observing my thoughts just scurrying around, like squirrels chasing each other, looking for a way to come out (thus the blog). The thoughts are not me, but they are very important to me.

I have a terrible memory for most events, places, people, because my mind keeps me so preoccupied much of the time. This is just how I am. I also think my mind is a channel, at times, of enormous creative energy, not my own. When it happens, it is my best reason for being alive.

I don't know that I could write a good fiction book, because I lack that attention to external detail that makes most books and their characters come alive. I always appreciate writers who are able to convey characters so convincingly.

I feel unplugged from God right now, thus the centering quote at the beginning. I think I left God behind when I left on the cruise! The kids both had late curfews while onboard (11, and midnight), and I certainly did a lot of praying to get them back safely to the cabin. But that was selfish prayer. It was really more like, God, please don't hurt me! I can't stand that kind of pain!

I need to pray and I cannot right now. How can I pray when I don't feel that divine presence? I feel lost right now. I have faith that it won't last, though.

Knock, and the door will be opened to you. Seek, and you shall find.

Here's a little comic relief. One son tells me the other has been in the bathroom for "like, the past hour." We didn't notice. We are wondering, if we don't tell him it is time to come out, how long he will actually spend in there. I'm not naming names here, but this son needs to be told things like it's time to come out of the bathroom. I suspect I was very much like this when I was a child. I think he may grow up to be a physicist, because they know (or suspect, at least) that time is just a human invention and isn't real. Then he will have the last laugh!

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