Friday, July 23, 2010

Impermanence

"Impermanence!" This is how Lama Tsulku Tsori Rinpoche awakes in the morning, not with coffee! I imagine his mind instantly sharpens at the thought that another day  is here, full of surprises.

I find his observation to be incredibly pertinent to my life right now. The most obvious reason is that my doctor has said I should give up coffee.Yes, I need to replace it with something, but impermanence ... how can I say ... it just doesn't have that same aroma, the first delicious swallow. I don't have any idea how impermanence tastes at all. I guess it would taste different every day, right?

The second reason for his statement's relevance to me is that impermanence is very noticeable in my life right now. You know how sometimes the changes that life is full of seem to not happen for a while? Or not quickly enough? Or not the way you were imagining? Sometimes, life seems too sluggish and you long for something to happen. Anything, almost.

But then you look at your children, and they look almost grown up. It's almost embarrassing to see them naked getting into or out of the shower, although you gave birth to them and wiped their bottoms when they were little.

Then you also realize that now IS the time for major life changes, much as you (I) may hate change. I, personally, have this standing policy: If change must happen, it should be something that I have  created. It should never be a surprise! And never, never, should it be a change where I have to let go of a loved one.

Yeah, that's not working out for me so well right now.

As a mom, I have a number of possible reactions to seeing my kids need me less and less. One, is deep, wrenching, anguish and hot tears that swell my face, for a while. I may do this in the dark when "going to sleep" ahead of the rest of my family.

I tried that one a couple of times, and now, a few weeks later, I have to say it was quite refreshing. Not at the time, though.

If you feel something deeply, don't push it away. Feel it, express it, and move on!

Going to the chiropractor ... hope to be back before a pleasant night out with some ladies from church. Yes, I have a life besides my children and family. Working on it, anyhow.

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