Friday, May 6, 2011

How does it feel to be at rest, spiritually speaking?

I have this feeling that if (or when) I become more at ease in terms of my spiritual side, I will need this outlet less. I wonder what the next phase may bring?

I am going to meet with a spiritual "friend" in a couple of weeks to sort out some old conflicts. I think I may find that I am called to love this life I have been given, rather than a fantasy life that I like to imagine as someone -- anyone -- other than a rich American with this spiritually stultifying lifestyle. By the way, I think the proper term for this person who may help me is spiritual adviser, except I bristle at any hint of authority or someone else having the upper hand over my spiritual journey. But this lady is not like that at all, I can tell.

Who knows what will happen? I would like to be able to fully embrace something that life has carried to me, sometime in my life. I do love my husband and children so, but they prevent me from running off and joining the Peace Corps, or whatever. The ties that bind, and gag? Was that Erma Bombeck's description for family?

Do you ever get the feeling, at a random moment in your day, that you have been dropped into this life from very far away? I feel that at times. I blink a little, look around and survey where I am and what I'm doing, feel how this particular moment feels, and sigh with relish at what a lovely life this is, after all. I have to remember what a gift this life has been. It's the grand prize! Want to trade with me?

In Enneagram terms, I came to realize that I am a Type 4. I had forgotten! This is the "Romantic," also called "Individualist." The person who may wear their heart on their sleeve, who feels like something is always missing from their life (ow, that one was dead on), who feels everything oh so deeply. And, I might add, who simply adores great poetry and literature! And seems to live for rapture and heartache, and wishes to feel it all as deeply as possible. I was so much a Type 4 when I was a teenager (but then, aren't they all) and a young adult. Oh, and Type 4's hate to be put in a box or made to feel that they are less than completely special and unique.

At first I was fitting myself in as the Type 5 (an aspect of my personality that I have worked hard to cultivate in recent years). This is the "Observer" who loves to analyze everything and cultivate knowledge without getting too personally involved, and who is very possessive of their time and their pet projects. But it didn't completely add up.

Also in a flight from my essential four-ness, I have been strongly drawn to Buddhism. Take a deep breath and then as you breathe slowly out, repeat after me: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHMMMMMMM (low and continuous, calming chant) -- until you use all the breath up. Do this several times in a row. I feel better already! All that emotional energy has a place where it can finally settle. By the way, if you're not ready for Buddhism, try yoga. Same concept.

I'm also meeting with the lovely Enneagram retreat leader, who announces to everyone that she is happy to get together one on one to help people who need guidance finding their Enneagram type. And she really is! I planned the meeting with her before having my little revelation about my core type, which I haven't mentioned to her just yet. I don't want her to feel any less needed. I still desperately need help, believe me.

These spiritual get-togethers are converging in May, a lovely month overall this year, though much too dry and barren here in South Texas. My soul longs for the sound of rain. It bothers me more, every year of these frequent droughts. I don't think I could bear to live in a place any more arid.

So here's a question I have been toying with. Do you think I need to take on fasting sometime as a spiritual discipline? I've been hearing from Carol at Sardines and reading about fasting. Is there a message here for me, or not so much? You see, I have issues with food. Specifically, with being a little obsessed with food and frequent snacking. And my next meal, where and when and what.

Or am I just flitting around without a specific purpose, just needing to try it all out? (That would be a Type 7.) You see, I'm like that with the personality types, as well. I took the online Riso-Hudson Enneagram test and scored almost evenly on, I believe, five of the nine Enneagram types: 4, 5, 9, 6, and 1 -- and notice that doesn't even include Type 7. But I have tried them all on for size, that's for sure. It gets a little tiring after a while.

1 comment:

  1. Julie - I believe a Type 4 is also known as a Sagittarian :).

    I'm still in the spiritual desert - but would love to talk to you!

    Oh! And thank you for the yam pie! I didn't eat it - the kids did - but all day I felt so loved. It just feels so wonderful when somebody surprises you with something thoughtful :). Thank you, friend!


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