Sunday, May 8, 2011

The terror arises

Written when the Internet was down ... 

Something in me went off when I starting thinking about seeing a spiritual guide. All the implications of this act were profound … that I might be held accountable for my spiritual life thus far. Or, I might find out I was being too hard on myself. 

I had a fit of inner terror, and everything went cloudy and confused in my mind. This is how it happens, sometimes. The glass is clear and so I see clearly … and then something happens to stir up all the sediment, all that garbage I thought I had left behind. Something inside me was feeling shaken up and threatened, all right. Unfortunately, I was also blogging at the time, so I’m not especially pleased with that post.

What was it that was thrashing around in such pain and confusion? My ego! Ha! I caught it in the very act of trying to sabotage my spiritual goals.

In a way, I hope many of my thoughts are wrong. For example, I hope to find that living is simpler than my mind would have me believe. That it does not require nearly as much analysis.
Maybe the answer does lie within, not without, and I need to slow down and turn off all the distractions to find what I’ve been seeking.

This is a paradox because I think we are called to help one another, to look outward, to be of service to OTHERS in this world. But all this spiritual work, it seems, must be done in an inward way. It often seems to me to be such a selfish pursuit. Like all this Enneagram stuff, searching for your “Type” – isn’t this just the epitomy of the “Me” generation? Maybe it’s just for the spiritual laggards that all this soul-searching is required. For those of us who just don’t get it, and still don’t, and still don’t! Let's see, how many thousands of lives does it take to get it right, exactly? To make real spiritual progress? (Sorry, there I go sounding all Buddhist again. But I definitely am going to need another chance, many others.)

If I can get the camera to download recent pictures, I will post some here. Nothing else technological seems to want to work for me lately -- not the VCR at children's Sunday school, and now my iPod is acting up. I have Easter pictures and it would probably be good to post a few before Memorial Day, and then we have approximately 100 pictures of Austin in his white prom tux, escorting his girlfriend (?) Katie, and Zeke, the dynamic trio of church youth group/praise band fame. Austin had a full day that started with the SAT, inadvertently scheduled the same day as prom. It ended at 1:20 and he dashed down to Floresville to don his tux and get on with his day.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

Picture alert ... I'm going to go back the last several posts and add pictures so I don't overwhelm you all at once. I am starting with the most recent event here, prom night last night.
Austin, looking a little shaggy, with Katie (inside the Floresville Methodist Church) prior to prom night

Austin, Katie, and Zeke in the church sanctuary prior to leaving for the afternoon's and evening's events
Austin is positively glowing! (a la Casper the friendly ghost) It was warm out but not as hot as it is today.

1 comment:

  1. Julie - you're a delight.

    Oh! And Austin is SO handsome! I missed prom festivities this year. Ellie and her boyfriend are both introverts and cheapskates and they said, "Meh." They went last year and had a good time - it was a great prom with Phantom of the Opera theme...full buffet...but they were still kind of both "Meh." Of course, they also both said no to graduation ceremonies or parties. I'm just waiting for Camille to rise up - I'll get my fix then I'm pretty sure.


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